Honest confessions

January 17th, 2015

Before the break of the 18th….

To be honest I’m not sure about this blog post. I’ve tried to think of something clever. Yet nothing comes to mind. I’ve contemplated asking hard questions again… but that just didn’t fit what I felt like saying tonight.

With this post I thought I would do exactly what I do in real life: wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to be honest about myself. Sure there are somethings I don’t tell people who aren’t close to me, but for the most part I tend to think of myself as a pretty open person. I’ll tell you who I am, what I believe in, and my opinion on topics.
Why wouldn’t I? I can (or presumably can) because I live in a free (but becoming less favorable of free speech) country. I am also human, though you may suppress someone you cannot control how they think or their opinions shy of brainwashing them.

But enough of that, I could chase those rabbits down their trails time and again. Now I have a few future topics we can talk about, yeah! 😀

On to tonight’s business at hand.
Tonight I’m going to reveal a little more about who I am. How I think, and my dreams and hopes.
Why? Because I feel like it. This is my online personal venting and calculating thought process.

For me I have always felt growing up that I’m a little different than guys my age. Mainly because I would dream of the happy endings. It wasn’t about the wars. It wasn’t about how the knight slayed the dragon in the stories (which would be sweet to hear about), for me it was “And they lived happily ever after”.
It was the end that got me. The guy meets girl, guy falls for girl, they end up happily married and start a family together. That has just been my highlight of stories for as long as I can remember.

Perhaps its because I had more friends that were girls growing up. Perhaps it is because I was less energetic than other boys. I was content to just be in my own little world playing quietly.
I’m getting side tracked, lets continue…

For a long time I’ve wanted to be a father and even more so, a grandfather. Something about is just exciting in of itself. Its been the thing that I wanted since… well before I was 10.
And I don’t know why but as time has gone on my heart has longed for a bigger family.
I love babies, they are so cute. I love little kids, they say the silliest things. I’ve always felt a little jealous/envious of all my friends that came from families with more than 6 kids.

Maybe I’m a rare crazy breed. So what if I feel like the call to be a father is greater than a call to a career? So what if I feel like I want a big family. That is who I am.
To be honest, I’d say I’m crazy. There is no explanation to it.
I could go on in more detail with the internet people misinterpret things so quickly that I’ll just continue with the main topic.

Honestly I’m a total sucker for a happy ending. For that perfect match. They love story of a life time.
I can’t even watch romantic movies in public because I’ll probably cry during it.

I’m a hopeless love sick romantic, who wants a big family, and can’t wait to hold the position of being called “daddy”.
If it were a disease I’d say I’ve got it, and I’ve got it bad.
Even today I walked back in my apartment and I was thinking how it would just be nicer if when I came home I was coming home to a family… my family.

What is the dilemma then? Being content waiting for God’s timing in all of this. Waiting for His guidance on such things.

I’m a dreamer, that much is completely obvious to anyone who gets to know me.
But since I’ve moved out I’ve come to cherish and appreciate my family more.
The down side is that since I’ve moved out… My passion and desire for my own family has only increased.

The only thing that I feel right now is helping me be content is God.
He’s been just showing me how to let Him fill my desires and my heart. He keeps working on me, and I am ever grateful.

Do I hope and dream that someday God will give me the desires of my heart and I’ll have my own family? Yes.
Will I be content till then…. I’m trying.
If God doesn’t give me those desires am I fine with that? That is the hard question. All I know is that as long as He comforts me and is there and fills those desires, then yes I’m fine with that.

Well I hope this not only helps you see me in more of an understanding light, but that it also makes you think about things and ask God for direction in your own life as you ask the very same questions.

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One thought on “Honest confessions

  1. I appreciate you being so honest and straight-forward with your readers, David. (It seems that honesty is a rare trait to come by these days.) I know I’m not in the same situation that you are, but I understand what you mean about cherishing family. Just remember that, one day, when your bride’s graceful eyes look into yours, or your gentle lullabies lull your children to sleep, you’ll look back on these current years of longsuffering and think, “It was worth the wait.” All will be well. 🙂 Take care!

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