I just need to ramble.
If you’re looking for something profound or thought out, carefully crafted you may as well leave cause this will have no flow and no real thought to it.
Currently its one of those weeks where you wake up totally exhausted, spend every free minute you can resting and taking naps. To think its only Wednesday… and I work six days this week… I’m about ready for another vacation.
I complain too much. I realize that. I see it. Selfish, self-centered, ignorant, quite often proud, loud and arrogant. We all have our flaws. Mine are just super obvious to me, and my political/chameleon skills have taught me to hide them well.
The issue comes down to my pride wanting me to shine through. I want to be Me. Not the whomever I need to be.
I want to drop the act, and just relax. I can… but I realize that Me is super flawed.
Generally I would say something like, I’ve been thinking, or something came to mind… and go on a sermon sounding change your ways, and this is what I have found type of speech.
Truth is, I came to the conclusion of how deep, dark, ugly truth of how evil I truly am when I turned the questions inward. When thinking about life I have always done great outward thought. Thinking about the future, who I want to spend it with, where do I want to spend it, how, etc. etc. etc.
Recently I changed most of my thinking mentality to focus inward. Not because I’m completely self-centered (because I am, if I am honest) but because years ago I made a list of qualities that I look for in a potential spouse.
The harsh reality was when I turned the questions around on myself I was hopelessly flawed, even to my own wants. I asked myself, how could I expect a woman to want me when I can’t match the list I am making for them. Well experience over the past year has shown me just the right answer for that question: They aren’t.
Or at least the women that I have even remotely tried to express interest in that meet my requirements do not feel interested in the slightest towards me. Some even to the point of not even being interested in being friends.
It was mind boggling. Yet at the same time it was a great wake up call.
After the hurt started to subside, unfortunately I have always taken things personally, I started personal self examination. This is a magnificent thing. I wouldn’t change how I came to this point either, good and bad. The hard part for me is admitting where I am.
See I want to be the best. But not the best at everything. The things I want to be the best at, I’m off to a poor start. I’m not past redemption, but I’m way behind the hare and tortoise.
When I was younger I wanted to always be the smartest person in the room. Turns out I’m not that smart, or manipulative to achieve that. Therefore I came to the point of just doing. Just going and being entertained. Its not a bad thing. It is just not challenging. In light of that I find not thinking to be the easiest thing to do. Just flow with everything. Sway this way and that with my mood, don’t think and worry about it, it will all be alright…. Not exactly.
Occasionally my mind starts turning and my brain gets a good work out. I start thinking. When I think though, I’m not the brightest, or the most advanced (smart, intelligent), or productive thinker. Though I do come to a lot of conclusions that make me question a lot of things. Sometimes I write those down then blog about it. … Though for the most part I would say that I rather not think. Not because I don’t enjoy thinking, but because of where my thought process is taking me these days.
As I think, I am calculating my flaws. Questioning where I went wrong, how do I change it, what changes are worth it, and if certain life goals I have had for years are even plausible given my rate of failure. Thankfully I’m stubborn enough to not be put down for life over the slowly depressed mood killer feeling that can, and does, set in during these thinking sessions.
Kelly Clarkson said it best in one of her song, we all have a dark side, can you love me, can you love mine?
A coin with a second side. A side that likes to hide from the light. My issue is that I like to hide mine. I’m the beast, I’m Hyde. …. But the great news is, I am forgiven.
With the news of forgiveness I am a new creation. Unlike a simple transition I’m on the stage to evolve and make myself a better person. This is a life choice. A change in character that will affect me down to the core.
I am questioning every former decision. Taking a look at practices, habits, and excuses. Things that need to go are going… the hard part is when you get hit in the face with the overwhelming blow of how much needs to change.
Once I get the ball rolling I start thinking about this, and that, and I want this, and that. Then you get hit with the regrets. The realization of how bad this messed up soul is.
I’ve gone so long holding back my tongue. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Honestly this past week has been horrendous on my mind. I’ll go all day exhausted, then laying in bed or getting ready for bed it hits high gear and my mind will start racing and then I can’t sleep for a while.
The song that describes this feeling is Fight Song, “All those words I didn’t say, were wrecking balls inside my brain”. Its so true. I’ve sometimes left things unsaid. Then I’ve regretted not saying anything.
The hard part is knowing what to say, what not to say, and when something is right to say …just the wrong time at the moment.
Sometimes I just feel lonely. Sometimes neglected. I think I feel this way, not because I don’t have good friends or people who are reaching out, but I just don’t have the experience to fill my love language. Which is hard. I mean how do you deal with being a quality time person when you work a full time job, have some extra activities you have, and live alone?
Its hard. The only thing I think is harder is finding someone of the opposite gender who honestly interested in you and vice versa. One thing that is hard for me to swallow is some of the standards that are great standards to have… but it makes things… difficult to deal with.
The one thing that comes to mind is when a girl says she doesn’t hang out with guys alone, or do things one-on-one with guys. -**Side rant: which sometimes is their polite way to lie to you to get you to move on.**
I’ve had at least three different girls give me that answer while I have lived on my own (still less than a year).
Its a respectable thing. I highly admire it. But then the sad realization hits me when I think how I don’t have my family to pull on to get to know said person in a group setting. All of the sudden I’m dependent on other third party schedules to maybe line up, and maybe that person will show up if they by chance even want to know you….
But do they?
I don’t know where my emotions are on that last line. When I was young, the center of attention was great…. I didn’t always want it, but I had it. I was that exotic kid. A missionary kid who speaks more than one language, has stories to tell, has seen the world, met important political figures in foreign countries. I took that all for granted.
Here I sit, as an adult with the childhood of a lifetime. With a story that may seem to good to be true because its not common. Yet the interest rate in me… or at least my past, is null to minimum. Which is shocking in one hand, understandable in the other, and maybe the ultimate indicator that I’m far to self-centered and people don’t really care about who I am.
Cause honestly who is reading the ramblings of a single, twenty-one year old, living the American “dream”, kid who is a son of a Southern Baptist pastor, a kid who grew up in Moscow, Russia, can speak some Russian, was homeschooled except for the first 3 years of elementary school when I went to Russian public school. Who really cares that I’ve been to Africa, climbed up the Great Pyramids, seen Asia Minor in person, been to dozens of Europe’s main international, stayed in several European countries for mini-vacations, traveled to a good majority of the States in the USA, and has been on national television in two different continents. Who? …. Only those who either really care, or those who randomly get bored and some how find these articles.
But who truly cares?
I guess I’m struggling with accepting the fact that not everyone is interested in preserving friendships, or pursuing more than friendships because I will sometimes leave the ball in someone else’s court and I generally get hurt. Left behind. I don’t think they do it intentionally, if they did I don’t think I could honestly call them a friend at that point.
When someone wants to move beyond friends, and you don’t feel the same, you don’t abandon friendship to “make them stop liking you”. That is the worst policy ever. I know. I’ve been on both ends of it. It sucks either way. Just grow up and let the other person be responsible for their actions.
No…. I’m sitting here… typing. Writing down all my thoughts that have kept me up every night since Sunday that I just told myself I would write some other time.
I’m not always a happy person. I have a joy in the sadness, that is because of my faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour. But I’m not always smiling. In fact I complain way to much and sorry for ranting but that is what it is.
I’ll be okay. I’m not completely crazy. I am not completely desperate for attention. I’ve just venting because I can’t sleep. And I need to write… and you can’t write, sing, or play anything good without getting all the crap out and letting out.
Anywho its not like many, if anyone reads this. If you do find something helpful in this great.
Otherwise the thing to take note is that everyone has feelings (emotions). Don’t forget that the stranger you see is a person. Every name you see in the phone book is a soul. Everyone feels pain, sadness, and joy. You’re not alone. You will not ever be alone in this emotional roller coaster of a ride called life. Someone out there is going through the lows and highs too. Plus there is generally always someone who cares for you too. If you don’t think so, you either don’t realize it or haven’t met them yet. Every life is precious. Remember that.