Time changes people. People change. People don’t change in another sense. This world is screwed up. People are screwed up. Preferences change. Our perspectives change. For better? Or for worse?
At this point I can’t figure out how to start this thought train.
First I’m appreciate all those people who try to follow me and learn about what is going on in my life and my head. You people have a lot of patience and I’m sorry I make you all suffer through knowing this crazy mind of mine.
My title says it all: In search of miss perfect. I’d be lying if I ever said that wasn’t on a burner on my mind nearly all the time. My whole life has taught me a lot, very little in comparison to some, a WHOLE LOT, when compared to others. If you permit me I’ll start off from the beginning.
My early years as a boy were different than most ( I presume). I’m told at five I had my first crush. All I know is that by the time I hit seven I thought about marriage as often as the stereotypical girl at my age. I would dream of my wedding day.
-Disclaimer: I am not gay. Just cause I dream of my wedding day does NOT make me gay.-
I developed a crush on a young girl at seven that preoccupied my mind for four years. During this time I dreamt of only the wedding day. Everything was about that “happily ever after”. At this point I always pictured myself with a pretty blonde haired, blue eyed, sweet young American.
Around the time my mom started to have my youngest sisters I came to the next stage in the desire of marriage: I fell in love with babies. I realized I want children. Realizing that children grew up I started developing the notion of having LOTS of kids so I could always have a baby around. -Great plan, right? I thought so too.-
We moved back to the states and I still had a thing for blondes, but I started to realize I wasn’t set on marrying an American. I dreamt about marriage probably once day minimum. During these times my romanticized idea of marriage grew and I started to develop misconceptions.
Into high school I became very pious and judgmental. I started looking for “perfection”. I was searching for the girl that was a godly young lady, like my mother, yet my age. I also started developing/acknowledging I liked girls 3-5 years older than my on average and anything under 1.5 years younger than me was taboo in my mind. When I started dreaming of marriage I started wanting a girl who would stand by me in everything. Wishing for this wonderful woman who would bear like 14-20 kids, be a stay at home mom to homeschool our children, sing like an angel, and play multiple instruments. I started looking for a Proverbs 31 woman before I was 16. I was doomed to not find anything. Not to say that there isn’t a girl or girls out there at 16 or under who represent the “biblical godly woman” so well that people swoon over her. What I’m saying is that it is highly unlikely that a girl of 16 has the maturity and godliness of a developed character of a woman who has been practicing this behavior for many years. My mind became so focus on finding “miss perfect” that I forgot to make myself “Mr. Right” for such a girl. On the bright side I started being more open to other hair colors, ethnic backgrounds, eye color, and heights (except for taller than me… that is just weird). That is a positive… right?
Late high school
At the end of high school (17) I became overtly aware that my behavior was wrong. I needed to work myself into “Mr. Right” for some young woman. Of course my motives were purely because I was still selfish and thinking I was going to be some blessing in her life. Thinking that she couldn’t find better than me.
On one hand I started working on myself, because I was challenged by a seeing a girl working on herself to make her life more focused on God than man. On the other hand I started realizing I was in no position to be a spiritual leader to the girls I hoped to date or knew would become amazing women and hoping that one of them would be in my life as “miss perfect”.
The good part is I had not dated anyone at this point well technically and officially, and I wasn’t messing my life up… yet.
College round 1
This time period was marked by the biggest adventure, and learning curb I had. I started dating this wonderful young lady, and she is still a wonderful young lady, but we went our separate ways.
I had gotten hooked on the idea that the girls I knew at this time I could not be a spiritual leader (or they were no where near the woman I had idealized). Then came along the young lady of the next two years… she caught my eye. My heart said I could lead her spiritually. It worked… for a little while. I found out so much about myself in that time. I started realizing things that were important at that time for me and stuff that is important in a relationship to me. I messed up so bad. I thought a relationship would help, but I didn’t realize I needed help. It ended up being a breaking point before things started getting locked in place. I ruined her vision. I destroyed dreams.
First real girlfriend and I was the problem. If I could tell her anything today, it is that God spared her. I’m happy that she has been able to find someone who is truly able to take car of her.
It was during this time my ideas and hopes of a big family were growing to its height. I wanted that more than anything. Family became the thing I wanted. The thing I craved.
Single adulthood in-between colleges
This point in my life became hard. I figured out the drive for a relationship hinged on two things for me: 1) I wanted to get married before I was 22. Why? Cause the last few generations of Sagers were married before 22 and I didn’t want to be the oldest in 4+ generations. 2) I wanted someone to be there no matter where I went. I wanted something permanent.
My thoughts indicated that I might have some attachment disorders.
I needed time to discover what I really wanted. What I really needed.
I discovered I still love children… I still wanted a big family but I wasn’t sure if it was a fight or die matter.
But I wanted a girl who would love to participate in music with me. Singing, dancing, playing music, why ? because there is something about music that makes connections with the soul. I wanted some one who would go with me wherever and whenever. Also I did not want to ruin someone else’s dream. I had already did that. So I wanted someone who could pursue a dream with me.
During this period I realized my own dreams and decided I might have to pursue those first above a relationship because I cannot give it up.
Nonetheless I still looked for a girl to fill a space in my life. Wisconsin brought new people. Which lead to new struggles. I did not know these girls. How would know who would be worth pursuing? Before I had observation on my side. I knew girls… now I had nothing. My job also isolated me. This caused me to have a hard time adjusting to the idea that I would have to be slow with getting to know people. I wanted deep, real friendships, I wanted human interaction. Then I met a few girls. I got turned down so fast my head spun. Which was definitely for their better. I ruined an old friendship because I liked her. So I thought she was worth it. She was worth the risk. I risked… I lost. My bad.
I had to learn to move on. Get up. Go from being “loved” to no one wanting to get to know me.
I came to place where I was ready to give up my number one requirement for dating a girl: that she be a believer. Why? Because I was flipping lonely. I was searching. I was shut down before I was even on a first date. I was angry with myself. I screwed lives over. I ruined friendships, I, in my mind was a failure. I hit 21… no girl was even remotely emotionally close to me. my future was lining up to be the oldest Sager in 4+ generations to get married…. or maybe I won’t be… who knows?
Then I moved in with my friend Eric. Eric helped me realize that my concern and search for “miss perfect” wasn’t something that was odd. There were other guys out there struggling to find the girl of their dreams. While hanging out with Eric I found something out. I had really, really, really missed human interaction on a daily basis. This helped me accept singleness. I had someone who I could get to know. A friend who wanted to know me. Who was a brother. Who would know if I didn’t come out of my room. Eric was the guy I could trust that if I did something utterly stupid I wouldn’t necessarily die. It was comforting. I realized then that my drive for finding “miss perfect” was because I wanted a family to have people there for me. Eric showed me how friends can be true family when your family is not around. For that I’m so glad.
As time went on I started asking myself hard questions: Who am I? What do I want in a woman? what is truly important? Does language, ethnicity, height, weight, hair color, eye color, and personality really matter?
Welp… I think it does. But preference and what I go head-over-heals for are sometimes different.
Sure, I have a hair style preference. Eye color preference? yeah. height? shorter than me. language? Well…. preferably I want to be able to talk to her.
But all these are physical traits.
I really started asking myself… what about personality, spirituality, intelligence?
I’m such a horrible person I have a high bar. Does that mean I won’t lower it? No. It just means that I might change the test depending on how much I start loving the girl.
College round 2
I now ask myself questions like: “I’m content now, should I pursue a relationship now since I am not searching/desperate for one?” or “Is this the time to not pursue because I am finally content?”
Then I have begun asking myself question like, How in the world do I even think I could raise lots of kids? I’ve begun finding issues with myself and the list keeps building. The more I dig into myself the more I realize I’m far from perfect. In fact I’m pretty messed up. With that in mind the biggest thing I’ve been asking myself is: “Do I really want to procreate and have kids who go through the same struggles I did? If they have my tendencies can I watch them become like me? Could I even put a woman through watching her children grow up to have the sins of their father?”
Honestly I don’t even know what I think anymore. I think I’m finally growing out of finding perfection for me and instead asking myself how good I am for a girl. Which is how I should think. I should not expect her to do anything, or become someone for me. I should lovingly accept who she is, and give up my personal desire and dreams for her. On a selfish note, it would be wonderful then if her dreams and desires line up with my own. Then my sacrifice for her would be a double fold enjoyment on my side.
Back to being to confused though,at 22, I’m happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way. To quote the wonderful Ms. Swift. Moody has brought me to the point where I am questioning the very reason why I believe certain things, living certain ways, and behaving in certain characteristics. It is a wonderful time. The hard part is being right in the middle of “Moody Bridal Institute”. How do I get to know a girl, and in the process discover more about her, and myself, without being serious and signing up for serious commitment off the bat? I don’t know. That is why 22 is such a great year, and a great song that aptly fits this year. Now I just need breakfast at midnight.
Now to conclude my rant. While I am content, that doesn’t mean I don’t have the “ideal girl”. Do I expect her to be out there? No…. sadly I’m not optimistic. But on the off chance that she is, here is her description.
My dream/ideal woman is this: Shakira meets Felicity Smoak (from Arrow). A girl with Shakira’s talent (vocal and dancing), hair, Felicitiy’s personality, her tech savviness, and a mix of their looks and boom: the “picture perfect girl” in my mind.
Does this mean that I won’t pursue anything different? No.
It just means that if I were to make a list of my preferences these would be it.
This will probably come back to bite me in the butt for years to come but I have said it. This is my ideal. This is my Hermione Granger. The weak-in the knees when you meet her girl.
A woman who is intelligent, talented, passionate, has the most adorable wavy/curly thick hair, a dazzling smile, and ahhh…. I’m getting all mushy gushy just thinking about it.
Yet such a girl would probably not find me worthy of her time.
BUT!! If you know such a girl… or you are such a girl I might potentially be interested in getting to know you. Maybe I’ll like you, maybe I won’t. It would be interesting to see though.
So If you know this girl, or are this girl you can reach out to me and I’ll get back to you.
David Sager – The crazy guy who has nothing really to say today.