Day 7, Thanks for all of you supporting DCSager Productions on Facebook! I am super grateful that you all are interested in hearing/seeing/listening to my life.
Today was simple: I stayed up freakishly late compared to everyone else last night. I finally went to bed a 2am and then we woke up had breakfast, had a wonderful bi-lingual service with our Italian friends here at the camp, then ate lunch, had class and learned about the primitive/early catholic period of the church, and finished with dinner.
After that I’ve just been reading, listening to Youtube videos to learn Italian and looking at google maps to figure out what is around us. There is a chapel near us, Santuario di San Gabriele Dell’Addolorata, that I want to see. Hopefully I’ll get to that tomorrow. Perhaps I’ll get to do laundry as well, cause I hate running out of clean clothes.
Side note, Italian coffee (expresso) is so good… and addicting. I’m pretty sure the 6-8 shots of expresso to survive now is going to get to me. haha… I wish I was joking.
Besides for the class and wonderful communion we had with our Italian friends I haven’t done much to write about today. So I’m going to leave with some words of recent enlightening I’ve come to see.
Often in our single lives we search for someone to “complete” us. As if we aren’t complete currently. Hopefully you realize that you are complete, you don’t have a “missing half”. If you find someone you fall in love with, you miss that other whole that you experience in your life and work to conform into a new combined life. But if you are single here is a lesson that though I realized, it has played out more often in the past two years than any other time in my life. The lesson is this: Learn to love yourself. Learn to have fun even when you are all alone.
You may have friends. You may be put in a situation where you need to make friends, but whatever the situation you have to be true to yourself. If you want to have fun at the beach, you have to come to the point that you can go by yourself and love it as much as if you had a group of friends with you. Why? Cause if you can be content with who you are, and by yourself, you’ll do just fine. Life is rarely “happily ever after”. There is so much work and grief that goes into dealing with other people. It can be worth it though. Depends on the individual. Some people are worth that risk in your life. It is worth going across the sea, over mountains, through valleys, and fighting through hell to get to. Then there are others that you need to let go and drift apart. In it all, be fine with you. Be content. Even if you never find someone worthy of your partnership. Someone who will fight with you, and fight for you. I think I am reaching new levels of being independent. Prior to Wisconsin I would not do much outside of my house by myself. Now, now I can go somewhere with a group of people and learn that I may not be interesting in their eyes. I might not have cool things to say, I might not smell great, I might not be intelligent for them, I might be boring, awkward, stupid, silly, slow, or distant. But that is okay. I can be me and have fun. I’m fine with who I am. For a long time I’ve dreamed of the family life. Looking forward to that. That was the dream. There was something missing until that happened. Pressured by my own mind, drive, and insecurities.
God must have seen that and realized I needed help. Wisconsin changed me. It changed me for the better I believe. I’ve not only learned to survive on my own, but I’ve learned to love myself when no one around me will, or can. It takes time. I broke the bounds of my extravert personality. I starved my primary love language and learned to lean on the only one who could truly fix it. Honestly I’ve not done a good job, it has taken two years to grasp the basics of it, and I have a lot to learn but I’m getting it.
Whether in the presence of friends or just by myself I can be myself. I can love me. I can look in the mirror, see the demons that taunt me, the evil in my eyes, and I can now live with who I am. I can wait. I could never find that “missing half” and be completely whole. My joy is not centered in that anymore. My happiness is not focused in what I can cannot control. I’m letting go. There is only one satisfaction that will truly satisfy: God. Outside of that I’m just going to live my life, enjoy the time I’m given, and see what happens. I’m not desperate. My priorities have shifted, my views have changed, I see the errors of my past, I see the potential of the future. I’m pressing on. If I end up single it just meant that No one was capable of handling this much me, and that is not my fault. If I end up married, then I’ll be glad to have found someone who can handle putting up with me. Either way, to God be the Glory. In all cases, whether isolation or surrounded by friends I will learn to love the time given to me by Yahweh.
In short: Be content. Find out who you are, work on yourself. See yourself as a treasure. Someone who is worth a lot. A masterpiece. If no one can deal with that, it is their fault not yours (unless you’re a jerk then please work that out). Don’t let uncontrolled circumstances dictate how you feel about yourself.
-From Italy with Love,