A year in review and my return

Warning: True content, deeply honest, and may be overwhelming for the faint hearted. If you can’t handle brutal honesty and genuinely authentic feelings then do not read this post. This post may contain harsh opinions.

2016

Twenty-sixteen was a rollercoaster of a year. The highs and lows were drastic. Yet you never know you were high till you get low, that is just how it goes. Life goes back and forth with good and bad. Sometimes it feels simply as fate, luck, or coincidence that certain things transpire. All I can say is that with all the highs it was inevitable to hit lows.

In 2016 I… :

  • Lost myself yet, and found who I am
  • Demonstrated the most patience I have ever portrayed, yet have been the most impatient in my entire life
  • Loved more deeply and fiercely, yet hated with intense passion
  • Lost the place I thought I belonged, yet have been more at peace than I have been in years
  • Traveled more than I have in years, yet felt like I have sat in place too long
  • Gained many new friends… yet experienced the most intense loneliness in my entire life
  • I’ve been abandoned by friends, I’ve reconciled with others that I thought I would never hear from again
  • I experienced loss of loved ones, and seen new ones begin life
  • I’ve been my most empathetic, and sadly my most apathetic
  • I let anger go unchecked for too long
  • I let bitterness build up
  • Experienced the worst health I have had in years
  • Watched my financial stability crumble piece by piece
  • Went into debt for the first time
  • Was hurt the most by people I used to be close to, yet also had others come and heal old wounds
  • Experienced some of the most open and honest talks in my entire life… yet shut down to so many people

I’ve always been rash on this blog. I will rant, I will post, and it has somewhat been therapeutic. I cope with things by externally processing them. I used to mull things over in my head and figure them out and now, I have to sing it, or write it to really know what’s going on.

But if you notice it’s July, and I haven’t touched the blog in so long. Why? Because honestly, life has been really hard of late. Also, I have gone through so many changes in perspective and touched into many different deep issues and I have not had the time to reflect on life.

In short: 2016 was a difficult but rewarding year. 2017 started out like a ****ing ****-storm and was absolute hell. I’ve had drastic meltdowns in 2017 that I have never before experienced in my life. Anyone who knew me before 2016 would be surprised to hear that I started receiving counseling because I could no longer process anything going on. I’ve also had the worst mental snap since I was 14 this year. This year has not been kind to me.

But part of it, if not all of it has been my fault. From the way I behave to my expectations, I stopped doing something in 2016 that I’ve been preaching almost my whole life. I stopped living for the future. So many turns left me lost, and unsure of life. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, or what I wanted to do. I came to the conclusion I was content being single, which to anyone who really knows me is a jaw-dropping sign of wonder (which led to my family starting to question why I am not dating anyone). But I decided I was content. I was fine. I was going to go down life and see what happens. Instead of pursuing my betterment in character, integrity, and honor… I started living for now. Things were no longer “long-term” for me. It became the “here-and-now”. That’s where I fell. That’s what killed me.

I’ve been wrestling with this for a few days now, because I’m still happy being single. Looking back I can see how 10 year old me would be disappointed that I’m not planning on becoming the man I want to be when (if) I become a grandfather. Before I would have been refining myself to be the best man I could be… but something changed and I lost the drive. It is funny, that younger me (18-21) was far more mature and forward thinking. Until recently I still left myself to my own devices. Never pursuing any moral, or honor betterment because after all, who else am I responsible for? That changes now. Even if I am single the rest of my life I have been convicted that I have let myself go too far. My apathy can no longer be left unchecked. I need a goal, a purpose that drives me. The obvious one should have always been that my life is not my own, but my Saviors. But I needed something tangible, and so I came up with goals I want to see happen in my life. I’m still building them and adding to the list, but I have three right now. Three goals that I want to strive towards. These goals are not enough, and I know that. They are the starting point. The platform of which I will launch myself towards my end goals.

All of which is to say, I had a rollercoaster of a year last year, and 2017 has been not been compassionate to me. I may have lost my way, but I’m grabbing the helm and letting the sails loose. It’s time to take responsibility for myself and plan ahead as if I’m leaving a legacy behind.

 

-True rants with David

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